Do you know the seasons?

I woke to LOUD thunder and Flashing lightening around 5am this morning.

I didn't want to roll out of bed. It was just a stay-in-bed-all-day kinda day. But I did. Had to get them kids off to school.

I ran a few errands. Had to call Gilbert and tell him we needed new windshield wipers.

I walked into a shop and said "Happy Fall Ya'll!" And do you know what they said?

"Don't you mean winter?"

WHAT!?

When did a little rain storm become WINTER?

Just yesterday I ran the A/C. And there is no snow on the ground (that's sticking). All day the rain and clouds keep switching back and forth with the sunshine.

I would say it's FALL, wouldn't you?

Are you KIDDING me!?

I used to be in the habbit of checking my email every hour or so. I know- get a life, right!?
So after doing this so many times and NOT seeing any new mail I decided I needed to spend my time more constructively. Now I check it twice; morning-breakfast and afternoon-cooking dinner. Sometimes I'll do a quick night-before bed check too.

Yesterday I checked in the morning and then left the house to run some errands.

Later in the afternoon I checked the email only to find an email from MODA saying "Call me as soon as you get this!" AAH! It was sent at 10:35 AM and I was checking it as 3pm.

When I grabbed the phone to call I noticed a missed call from TX (Moda) on the caller ID. another- AAAAHH!

I called and spoke with Debbie (she gave me my start with Moda). She told me they had had a problem and wanted to know if I could help- but that they solved the problem already.

What had they wanted?

OH, JUST FOR ME TO MAKE A SAMPLE FOR THEM TO HANG AT FALL MARKET IN 2 WEEKS!

Seriously, I'm sick that I missed that opportunity- but she said they'd call me next time. Ugh!

You better watch out!

Wanna know how I'm feeling today? Just visit Mel's tuesday blog post. My thoughts exactly.

BTW- Anyone want a 4yr old with WAY TOO MUCH attitude? I'll ship her out today. Sorry, no refunds.

Words of Wisdom

I was reading my favorite new blog as of late.

At the bottom of today's post was this:

Tip du jour: "Do one thing every day that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Immediately I thought: "I do. I get up!"

Life before Blogging

Did I have one?

Every morning I sit with my bowl of cereal and read my 'morning paper'. It is my 'favorites' list of blogs. When someone hasn't posted I'm a little sad inside. I need to know about those current events.

Sometimes while dinner is cooking, and there's really not enough time to get started on something else, I scan through those blogs again. Just to make sure I didn't miss anything, or to see if there's been any late and breaking news.

My blog too, has changed me.

I started it like all those other blogs- but it didn't work. In fact, when people started 'publishing' their blogs I thought "Uh, yeah, I'm never doing that." But just now, it occured to me that my blog is my own personal journal and that I may, someday, have it printed and bound in a neat little book for my posterity to read. Of course, when they do they'll say 'Aaaah, that's why Grandma was so crazy" ;o)

I write for me. If I didn't, my thoughts would consume me. And although I don't write for my readers (all 3 of them), I don't know what I'd do without them.

I'm thankful for you readers. For your kind thoughts and comments. For helping me to feel a bit more normal. For reading what possibly could be the most uinteresting blog around. (Ok, I'm sure there's worse, but you know what I mean).

So today I blog in gratitude of blogspot for helping me to fulfil a commandment to keep a journal and for giving me friends all over the place.

CONFESSIONS

When I decided to go back to school a couple of years ago (Seriously? it's been that long?) I made it only a couple of weeks before I realized I was in trouble.

A few years before that I gave birth to my baby girl. While she was undoubtably the most wonderful baby I was hopelessly waiting to get back to being 'ME'.

Just months before Paris was born I started experiencing my first bouts of anxiety. I didn't really know what I was dealing with. I just know I felt so different that I'd ever felt before. I blamed it on the pregnancy and went on with life.

Paris was born and things didn't change.

A couple years went by and things were "O.Kay".

When I started school I finally realized- I have MAJOR anxiety. I called my Dr. the next day. and began my NEW LIFE!

Many people that know me have noticed a change, mostly my husband. It wasn't until after I started taking my "happy pills" that I realized just how bad things had gotten. But now, things are great and I think the last two years of my marriage have been the best (now that the beast has been captured).

But lately I've been questioning all the "benefits" of my "happiness" (too many quotations and parenthesis, I know.) You see, I talked to a good friend, who also happens to be a therapist a few months ago. She asked how I liked my Med's. I told her they were a miracle and I can't imagine my life without them. But she told me that some people don't like the side-effects.

I'm starting to know what she means.

I don't want to do ANYTHING. If I could, I would sit and watch TV and eat all day long. Even though while I'm sitting I feel 'anxious' because I know there is so much I should be doing. I used to go-go-go and get so much done and NOT feel stressed. Now I am a little stressed (w/ help from meds.) but I don't get much done. I think I'm a lot easier to get along with- but sometimes feel like I don't even have an opinion about things because I'm so indifferent. Does that make sense? And obviously it has contributed to the weight gain (see previous post).

Also, I've been taking a Stress Management course. (Please, don't say it.) It's got me thinking about alternative ways to battle stress.

Anyway, I'm thinking of cutting back a little. Already I know that statistically my dosage is half of the normal, which makes me feel good. But I want to cut it in half again. It's a little scray though, I don't want to wig out or turn back into a 'Crazy Lady'....

I just want to be ME again.

There's so many pro's to taking and so many con's. I like being happier and easy going- but I don't like feeling so unmotivated and lazy.

Any advice!?


Note: I'm not sure why I wrote this post. I've had this on my mind for a few days and just needed to let it go somewhere. Sorry for the length. I guess it's just standard on my blog. ;o)

Signs of the times

I have "Jenny" genes. At least that's what I was told while growing up.
I was skinny.
Once I got into high school I was tall and skinny.
I was a bean pole. LITERALLY- not a curve on me!
Flat as a board and straight as an arrow.
I had to buy boys/mens jeans (before it was 'cool') because the girls' jeans had too much room in the seat and hips and looked like sting ray sails on my sides.

I was lovingly called "Olive Oyl arms" by my Dad.
My mom said I looked like a gazelle when I ran. "Graceful" she said.
At one point I went on a "See-Food" diet. You know, like the joke.
I decided that if I saw food I was going to eat it.
I didn't like being SOO skinny.
I had a great metabolism. I could eat whatever I wanted- and I did- and wouldn't gain an ounce.
I didn't care about fat content or calories. If I liked it, I would eat it.
I remember trying so hard to pass that 100lb. mark on my scale.

As I matured things got a little better and I seemed to reach my size.
My straight shape found the tiniest of curves.
I stopped growing taller and settled in at a nice 5' 8 1/2" tall.
(I always liked that 1/2". It gave me a one-up on my older brother who was 5' 8".)
My weight, too, found it's average.
I was proud that according to medical standards I was the perfect weight for someone of my height.
I maintained this for several years. I would venture to guess somewhere around a decade.
But I guess like all good things, it was bound to come to an end.

My height has not changed, but my weight has.
I look like a rough-cut board, left out in the weather, ravaged by the elements. The kind you would take to the dump because it isn't worth the work to make flat and skinny again.
These are the signs of the times!
I am no longer a kid.
I'm not a fast growing teen.
I'm not even a young adult running around after tiny children.
I am an ADULT. The second year into my 4th decade on earth and my body is changing drastically on me despite my efforts to change it.
20 lbs. more than that 'perfect' weight to my height means that I am no longer 'average'.

Now I know what most of you are thinking---
A lot of you have very nice things to say about me.
However, I would never expect any of you to honestly say "Well, it's true, you have put on a little weight." You're all just too kind.
But I know it's true, despite your efforts to make me feel good.
And so does my 4 year old daughter who so lovingly and innocently said
"Mom, it looks like there is a baby in your tummy"
And there most certainly is not! ;o)

The reason for this post is this:
I am trying to OWN this fact of life.
I will do my best to change it- but I realize my efforts my be in vain.
But at least I am no longer in denial.
And to prove it- a box of old denim ready to be dropped off at D.I.


note: the whole time I sat writing this post, my husband sat behind me peddaling away on the exercise bike. I'm sure he shed 3 lbs. just now. He is getting skinny. ;o)

To Cali and Back

It is nice to be home.

I loaded up the car over a week ago with 3 kids and my brother and made the day long trek across Nevada to sunny california. I was in the door only a few minutes before my Dad escorted me around pointing out the weeks tasks. At one point I tried to tell him something, he quickly cut me off and told me he needed to tell me lots more before he'd have a chance to listen to me. ;o) I love my Dad.

I was going to tell you all the things I did while I was there- but it is a blur. All I know is that one day we went to the beach and it was wonderful. It was a quick trip, but it was fun reliving moments of my gradeschool past in a place I'd visited more than 20 years ago. (whoa!)

There was sewing- not quilting, but sewing. Table cloths and sashes. There was painting- not the painting where you dip a roller in a pan and slap it on the wall. This painting consisted of carefully mixing a tiny cup of paint to the perfect color, tracing the template onto a wall (no time to bore you with the rediculously long detail of that), and using a miniscule brush to delicately paint leaves and vines across the wall. And not just one color, but TWO- and shading. It turned out AMAZING! There were silk flowers, ribbons, and glass vases. Not to mention a couple trips each to Michael's and Hancock Fabric's.

My little sister is married. A weeks worth of work and the ceremony lasted 7 1/2 min. At least people enjoyed the reception for much longer. It was beautiful. It is done.

I rested saturday night and most of sunday then packed up the van (with more that I went out with) and trekked back across nevada.

I can't wait to go back to california for a REAL vacation next time. ;o)